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Old 12-18-2009, 01:10 PM
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Striperjim Striperjim is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default Dear Alcohol




Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be
there when needed. The perfect gift, post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around
at the holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm
us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family
gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have
my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important. I question the suggestion
that any conversation after 2 a.m. can have much
substance or necessity. Why would you make me call my
ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact , they DO NOT
want to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why
do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce
along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips
(washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat
AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an
eclectic eater but, I think you went too far this
time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to
fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the
next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our
previous evening's
debauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day
is shot. I ask that if the proper precautions are
taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin)
prior to going to sleep/passing out (face down on the
kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever). The
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere
with my daily activities.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Friday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership..

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the
following items below that I think may be of some
interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-Agressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN
DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Good evening , officer. Isn't it lovely out
tonight?
5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing
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