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  #631  
Old 09-28-2010, 09:59 PM
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MASSfisher0311 MASSfisher0311 is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

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  #632  
Old 10-08-2010, 10:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A husband had worked out a system of letting each other know if they wanted sex. " If I don't want sex, I'll just go to sleep," he said, " but if I do, I'll reach over and rub your breast."

"As for you," he added, " if you want sex just reach into my shorts and give it a pull." "If you don't," he continued, " just pull it 99 times."
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  #633  
Old 11-06-2010, 10:38 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A bald man with a wooden leg is invited to a Halloween party.
He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his
leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later, he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief
will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just
right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized
his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes
by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your Wooden
leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing
his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the
company another nasty letter of complaint.

A few day's later he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.
Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden
leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co
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  #634  
Old 11-20-2010, 10:45 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

At 82, ol' Henry is in the doctor's office and gone through all the tests. The doc hands him a jar with a screw cap and tell him to bring back a semen sample. A couple of days later, Henry comes back in with the empty jar and explains that he just couldn't. To the doc he explained that he'd tried his left hand, then his right hand with no luck. Then his wife tried with her right and left, even both with no luck. She even tried her mouth with her teeth in, and then out. Finally he called in Alice , the lady next door, and she tried in her armpit and then between her knees. " What?" exclaimed the doc, " you called in the lady next door?"

"Yep," said Henry " and still none of us could get that damn cap off the jar."
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  #635  
Old 12-29-2010, 10:11 AM
NONIMAN NONIMAN is offline
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

GREY GOOSE CHRISTMAS COOKIES 1 CUP OF WATER- 1 TSP. BAKING SODA - 1 CUP OF SUGAR- 1 TSP. SALT- 1 CUP BROWN SUGAR- 4 LARGE EGGS- 1 CUP NUTS- 2 CUPS DRIED FRUIT- 1 BOTTLE OF GREY GOOSE VODKA SAMPLE THE GREY GOOSE TO CHECK FOR QUALITY. TAKE A LARGE BOWL, CHECK THE GREY GOOSE AGAIN, TO BE SURE IT IS OF THE HIGHEST QUALITY, POUR ONE LEVEL CUP AND DRINK. TURN ON THR ELECTRIC MIXER. BEAT ONE CUP OF BUTTER IN A LARGE FLUFFY BOWL. ADD ONE PEASTOON OF SUGAR. BEAT AGAIN. AT THIS POINT IT IS BEST TO MAKE SURE THE GOOSE IS STILL OK, TRY ANOTHER CUP JUST IN CASE. TURN OFF THE MIXERER THINGY. BREAK 2 LEGGS AND ADD TO BOWL AND CHUCK IN THE CUP OF DRIED FROOT. PICK THE FRIGGING FROOT UP OFF THE FLOOR. MIX ON THE TURNER. IF THE FROOT GETS STUCK IN THE BEATERS, JUST PRY IT LOOSE WITH A DREWSCRIVER. SAMPLE THE GREY GOOS TO CHECK FOR TONSISTICITY. NEXT SIFT TWO CUPS OF SALT, OR SOMETHINK. WHO GEEVES A SHEET. CHECK THE GREY GOOSE. NOW SHIFT THE LEMON JUICE AND STRAIN YOUR NUTS. ADD ONE TABLE. ADD A SPOON OF SUGAR OR SOMEFINK, WHATEVER YOU CAN FIND. GREASH THE OVEN. TURN THE CAKE TIN 360 DEGREES AND TRY NOT TO FALL IN. DON'T FORGET TO BEAT OFF THE TURNER. FINALLY, THROW THE BOWL OUT THE WINDOW, FINISH THE GOOOSE AND MAKE SURE TO PUT THE STOVE IN THE WISH DASHER....CHERRY MISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #636  
Old 01-17-2011, 11:07 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him........"
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  #637  
Old 01-17-2011, 11:32 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

And that's when the fight started.....badumdum
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  #638  
Old 01-19-2011, 12:23 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guy goes to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."
"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "The first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
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  #639  
Old 01-28-2011, 06:14 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Paulie meets his friend Jim and asks about his girlfriend. Paulie says, " The last I saw you, you guys were talkin' marriage. How'd that ever work out?" " It di-di-didn't " stutters Jim. He goes on to explain that they were sitting on the couch and ol' Rex was sitting there in front of them, and she was scratching him behind the ear. He went on to explain " I asked her if sh-sh-she would d-d-do that for m-m-m-e when we were m-m-m-married." " So?....What's the big deal," asks Paulie. Jim answers, " By-by-by the time I g-g-got it out she had stopped and he was l-l-l-ickin' his b-b-b-b-alls"
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  #640  
Old 02-04-2011, 11:55 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Biker.

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."
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  #641  
Old 02-09-2011, 09:53 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Gennaro walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store twice every day.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes.

He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her,
'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new
$300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?'

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, 'Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes... How do you like them?'

Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red... He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight...'




Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .. I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!'
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  #642  
Old 02-25-2011, 09:29 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Midget goes to the doctor....
>
>
> The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
>
> The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
>
> The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.
>
> The midget dropped his pants The doctor stood him up onto the
examining table, and started to examine him.
>
> The doctor put one finger under his left testicle then told the
midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a
hernia.
>
> "Aha!" mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the
right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again.
>
> "Aha!" said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.
>
> Snip-snip-snip- snip on the right side... then snip-snip-snip-snip
on the left side.
>
> The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the
> midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt.
>
> The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and
discovered his boys were no longer aching.
>
> The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
>
> The midget replied, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What
did you do?"
>
> The doctor replied "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots
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  #643  
Old 02-28-2011, 11:41 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was golfing in Ireland, and while my caddy watched, I sliced ball after ball. Finally pissed, I turned to him and said " What's wrong?"

He said "Yee've gat a piece of shait on yer club."

So I pulled out a small towel and wiped the club face.

He said " nay, 'tis on th' other end.'
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  #644  
Old 03-03-2011, 01:52 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine..'
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  #645  
Old 03-25-2011, 11:05 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was in my back yard trying to launch a kite.


I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few
seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success.

All the while, my wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yelled to me,
'You need a piece of tail.'

I turned with a confused look on my face and said,
'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
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