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  #61  
Old 11-04-2005, 12:32 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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  #62  
Old 11-04-2005, 09:47 AM
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Another joke before Im off for the afternoon. The weather looks awesome and i should be fishing.


Things women should know about us men.
1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your fat arse in a gym.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put the f*cker down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Anyone can buy condoms.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10. Sunday = Football/Any other sport. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not a sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a twat and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
21. Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. Now.
23. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
29. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
30. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
37. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.
38. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
40. Do not question our sense of direction.
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  #63  
Old 11-07-2005, 01:42 PM
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Sorry Missed a few days.

Monday November 7, 2005

Heres one for the ladies
70 Things not to say to a man who is not very well endowed.

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. I'm sorry.
4. Never mind, why bother.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won't take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does this run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once.
65. Deep throat???
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
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  #64  
Old 11-08-2005, 09:41 AM
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Default - Women: Look, Listen and Take Heed

Tuesday November 8, 2005

- Women: Look, Listen and Take Heed.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting
him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about
his needs.
Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
(especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when
he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be
fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work weary people.
Be a little happier and a little more interesting for him. His boring day
may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away
the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before
your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc. and
then run a dust cloth over the tables.
Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a
fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a
haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all,
catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal
satisfaction.
Prepare the children, take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces
(if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their
clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them
playing the part.
Minimise all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
from the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to
be quiet. Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to see
him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him,
but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first -
REMEMBER, HIS TOPICS OF CONVERSATION ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOURS.
Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out
to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead try
to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his very real need
to be at home and relax.
Your goal. Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor
compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have
him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low
soothing and pleasant voice.
Don't ask him questions about his actions
or question his judgement or integrity, especially about
any fishing trips or future planned trips. Dont question his expenditures on any rod and reel or
equipment purchases. Speaking about the boat negatively is out of the question.
Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always
exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to
question him.
A good wife always knows her place.
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  #65  
Old 11-09-2005, 12:13 AM
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Wednesday November 9. 2005

Who is Nookie Green?
An Irish priest is in a church on Saturday afternoon, hearing confessions...A man walks in and kneels down and begins his confession -Father, it has been two weeks since my last confession. These are my sins: Last night I had sex with Nookie Green.
That is your sin?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say one "Our Father." The man leaves. Soon, another enters and kneels. Father, it has been one month since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month.
The priest thinks to himself this Nookie Green woman is fairly popular with his male parishioners...
Those are your sins?
Yes, Father.
You are forgiven. Go out and say three "Hail Marys." The man leaves.
Soon, another enters and kneels down. Father, it has been six months since my last confession. These are my sins: I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last six months.
This time, the priest has to ask - Who is this Nookie Green?
Just a woman I know, Father.
Very well - you are forgiven. Go out and say ten "Hail Marys."
The priest closes the church for the evening and leaves wondering who this Nookie Green woman is...
The next morning, the priest is up in front of his congregation saying mass. The doors fly open in the back of the church and in walks this woman, a tall redhead with long gorgeous hair, a green sequin dress, green sequined heels and a green hat with a long green feather coming from it. She walks straight up the aisle and sits down right in front of the priest, her knees apart.
The priest cannot help but stop and stare. He finally catches himself and leans over to ask the altar boy - Pssssst. Is that Nookie Green?
The altar boy has a look and says, "No, Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."
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  #66  
Old 11-10-2005, 10:50 AM
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Sorry striperjim, just couldn't help it...

I have seen what I thinks is the smartest Fish in the world (Striper) at Lake Cumberland in Kentucky...
My wife and I were sitting on the porch of our cottage on the banks of Lake Cumberland, a steep dropoff bank that usually hold many fish including stripers... About 8-10' off the bank is a very small piece of land an Island if you will about 10" in circumference... I noticed a squirrel running around all crazy on the bank trying to get out on that little Island upon which there was a Walnut, and all of a sudden he took a running jump to the Island (almost), he came up about just at the Walnut which was on the bank of the island, grabbed the Walnut and into the water he went ( I was by now watching intently with binoculars), as soon as he hit the water this Striper engulfed him and turned away... About a minute later I saw the striper surface at the Islands edge and...................................................................................
.........................................................................................








Spit the Walnut back up on the edge of the Island......
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  #67  
Old 11-11-2005, 12:41 AM
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:)

Friday November 11, 2005

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards
the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in
the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited
him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the
bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many
times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him
breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!"
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  #68  
Old 11-11-2005, 02:19 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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That was a good one Jim. Check this one out.

November 11, 2005

Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without hesitation, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, he shooed Horatio the Physician away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. So the King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Always pay your bills.
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  #69  
Old 11-11-2005, 10:29 AM
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You gonna fix that or what.

Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and
says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit, mind ya) and then
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Ouch! Maw! MAW, my
beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
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  #70  
Old 11-16-2005, 12:29 AM
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November 16, 2005

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a
divorce!"
I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the
decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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  #71  
Old 11-16-2005, 08:42 PM
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Manny was almost 29 years old. Most of his friends had already gotten
married, and Manny just bounced from one relationship to the next.
Finally a friend asked him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the
perfect woman? Are you THAT particular? Can't you find anyone who
suits you?"
"No," Manny replied. "I meet a lot of nice girls, but as soon as I
bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them. So I
keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggested, "Why don't you find a girl who's just
like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks past before Manny and his friend got together again.
"So Manny. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like
your Mother?"
Manny shrugged his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother
loved her, they became great friends."
"Excellent!!! So,.... Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"
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  #72  
Old 11-18-2005, 01:05 PM
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November 17, 2005

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior, were promoted from Privates to
Sergeants. Not long after, they were out for a walk and Bubba said,
"Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's me and you stop in and have a
drank."
"But we's privates," protested Junior.
"We's sergeants now," said Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm
gonna sit down and have me a drank."
"But, we's privates," said Junior.
"You blind, boy?" asked Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants
now."
So they ordered their drinks and pretty soon a hooker came up to Bubba.
"You're kinda cute," she said, "and I'd like to take you someplace and
make you feel good-but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Bubba pulled his friend to the side and whispered, "Junior, go look in
the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the
okay sign."
Junior went to look it up, came back, and gave Bubba the big okay.
Three weeks later Bubba was laid up in the infirmary with a terrible
case of gonorrhea.
"Junior," he said, "what you give me the okay for?"
"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it said gonorrhea only affects the
privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and said, "But we's
Sergeants!"


I know, I know this one sucked. lol
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  #73  
Old 11-18-2005, 01:34 PM
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November 18, 2005


This ones betta. :)
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a doggie bar
having a drink when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and
says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie says,
"That's not good enough.
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not
creative."
Finally, with his Mexican accent, the Chihuahua says, "Liver
alone......cheese mine."
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  #74  
Old 11-21-2005, 06:48 AM
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Monday November 21, 2005

A mild mannered man is tired of his wife always bossing him around, so he decides to go to a psychiatrist.
The doctor tells him he has to develop self esteem. The doctor gives him a booklet on assertive training. He reads it on the way home.
When he walks through the door and his wife comes to greet him, he tells her, "From now on I'm the man of this home and my word is law. When I come home from work I want my dinner on the table.
Now get upstairs and lay me some clothes on the bed because I'm going out with the boys tonight. Then draw my bath. When I get out of the tub guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"
"The undertaker." she replies.
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  #75  
Old 11-21-2005, 04:38 PM
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The Blonde Painter

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather
jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint
can and it said . . . . . . .








"FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS"
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