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  #16  
Old 09-28-2005, 05:32 PM
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September 28 2005

Only in America... It seems that this guy had been experimenting with an unusual method of seeking autoerotic gratification - namely, by inserting a live fish into his butt. What he hadn't counted on was the fish's scales acting, in effect, like one of those sets of driveway spikes that allow you to drive over them one way but puncture your tyres if you try to go the other way. In his pain and panic, he dialed 911. The EMT arrived, surveyed the situation, and said, "Son, you gotta learn to chew your food better."
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  #17  
Old 09-30-2005, 02:16 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
 
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Rules For Working

Rule No. 1 - Never walk without a document in your hands.
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.

Rule No. 2 - Use computers to look busy.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat, and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defence is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

Rule No. 3 - Keep a messy desk.
Top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Rule No. 4 - Use voice mail.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want you to do work for them. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice-mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

Rule No. 5 - Look impatient & annoyed.
One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.

Rule No. 6 - Leave the office late.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read but have no time until late before leaving. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mail at unearthly hours (e.g. 9:35 p.m., 7:05 a.m., etc.) and during public holidays.

Rule No. 7 - Use sighing for effect.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

Rule No. 8 - Opt for the stacking strategy.

It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

Rule No. 9 - Build your vocabulary.

Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember; they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

Rule No. 10 - Don't get caught.
MOST IMPORTANT: Don't forward this to your boss by mistake!
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  #18  
Old 10-01-2005, 02:18 PM
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October 1 2005
A Mariner was out in a rowboat with his wife when she fell
overboard. Despite his best efforts, he couldn't find her,
so he rowed back home.
The next day, his friend showed up at the dock and said,
"Clyde, I found your wife. She got tangled up in my trap
lines and she's got thirty lobsters sticking to her. What
should I do?"
"Quick, pull off the lobsters and set her again!"
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  #19  
Old 10-03-2005, 02:07 AM
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October 2 2005

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here?s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."
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  #20  
Old 10-03-2005, 02:18 AM
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October 3, 2005

Two Irish guys are fishing. The first guy reels in his line and sees that he's snagged an old bottle. As he's taking it off the hook, a genie pops out and promises to grant him one wish. "Turn the lake into beer," he says. The genie goes "Poof!" and the lake turns into beer. He says to the other guy, "So what do you think?" The other guy says, "You jerk. Now we've got to piss in the boat."
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  #21  
Old 10-04-2005, 10:00 AM
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October 4, 2005

A popular young Rabbi on Sabbath eve announced to his congregation that he would not renew his contract. He explained that a nearby larger congregation would pay him more. There was a hush. No one wanted him to leave.
Sol Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stood up and proclaimed, "If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him a new Cadillac every 3 years and his wife with a Honda mini-van to help with the children!"
The congregation sighed in appreciation and applauded.
Sam Goldstein, an entrepreneur and investor, stood and said, "If the Rabbi will stay, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee his kids get a fine college education!"
More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Goldfarb, age 70, stood and announced with a smile, "If the Rabbi stays, I'll give him sex!"
This statement was met with total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asked, "Mrs. Goldfarb, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie answered, "I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Screw the Rabbi.' "
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  #22  
Old 10-05-2005, 07:06 PM
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October 5, 2005

A physicist and an engineer are in a hot-air balloon. They've been drifting for hours, and have no idea where they are. They see another person in a balloon, and call out to her: "Hey, where are we?" She replies, "You're in a balloon," and drifts off again. The engineer says to the physicist, "That person was obviously a mathematician." They physicist replies, "How do you know that?" "Because what she said was completely true, but utterly useless."

Kinda like this topic.
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  #23  
Old 10-06-2005, 03:46 AM
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October 6, 2005


Shall we keep this going?

Old Folks
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  #24  
Old 10-06-2005, 04:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by striperjim
Shall we keep this going? :)
It's up to you guys. But I think I like the fact of the day better.
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  #25  
Old 10-06-2005, 04:51 PM
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October 6, 2005

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love.

When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage if I carry on like this." So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk.

On his way home, he passed by a small caf? and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.

He farted all the way home. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight!"

She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the head of the table, and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air around him.

He had just started to feel better when another urge came on. He raised his leg and rrriiipppp! It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled even worse. To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate.

Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise to stay blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the end of his freedom), he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of the napkin.

Smiling contently, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her that he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "Surprise!" To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

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  #26  
Old 10-07-2005, 07:59 AM
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Default How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Friday, October 7, 2005

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?


?Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spill-over illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer) throughout.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part.?
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  #27  
Old 10-07-2005, 05:02 PM
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Another one for today.
Every once in a while we come across one that is actually funny.

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's
milk. The older of the two pulls her bag out and starts flipping through
photographs and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He'd be 24 years old now." "Yes, I
remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now," mum confides. "Oh! That's so sad dear," says the other.
"And is my second son, Kalid. He'd be 21 now," says the first Muslim mother.
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such dark, curly
hair when he was born." "Yes, well, he's a martyr, too now," says the mother quietly.
"Oh! Good gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He'd be 18 now,"
whispers the first Muslim mother. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically.
"I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr too
now" says the Muslim mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
wistfully at the photographs and says:

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"They blow up so fast, don't they?" :)
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  #28  
Old 10-08-2005, 04:38 AM
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October 8, 2005

Fascinating differences emerged between nations in terms of the jokes they found funny.
People from The Republic of Ireland,
the UK, Australia and New Zealand expressed a strong
preference for jokes involving word plays, such as:
Patient: ?Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.?
Doctor: ?I've got some cream for that.
Americans and Canadians much preferred gags where there was a sense of superiority ?
either because a person looked stupid, or was made to look stupid by another person, such as:
Texan: ?Where are you from??
Harvard grad: ?I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.?
Texan: ?Okay ? where are you from, jackass??
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  #29  
Old 10-09-2005, 05:48 AM
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Default ROOM 302 AT THE HOSPITAL

October 9, 2005

ROOM 302 AT THE HOSPITAL

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:
A woman called a local hospital.
"Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about
patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as
expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said,
"What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very
well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she
is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she
continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said,
"What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic...
that's wonderful news!"
the nurse said,
"From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit."
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  #30  
Old 10-10-2005, 06:28 PM
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October 10, 2005
BATHTUB TEST

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked
the Director what the criteria is that defines
whether a patient should be institutionalized or
not.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub
with water, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and
a bucket to the patient and ask the patient to empty
the water out of the tub."

Okay, here's your test:
1. Would you use the spoon?
2. Would you use the teacup?
3. Would you use the bucket?

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal
person would choose the bucket since it is larger
than the teacup or spoon."
(scroll down, please)
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"No," answered the Director. "A normal person would
pull out the stopper."
So how did you do?
I've been committed - have a good day!
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