Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody - Page 6 - Stripers247.com Forums
 
Striped Bass Fishing Site Map | Contact Us | Fishing Log Software | Fishing Online | Advertise
to UPLOAD: please register or login

Go Back   Stripers247.com Forums > Around The Woodstove > The Lounge
Forgot Password? Register Now!!

The Lounge Off-topic discussion here. Non-fishing related chit chat & banter. No Divisive subject matter - No Viscious Political and Religious debates please.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #76  
Old 11-22-2005, 03:10 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Tuesday November 22, 2005

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody
sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya???
Where ya from, boy?"
The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."
The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a
taxidermist?"
The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's
one of us!"
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #77  
Old 11-22-2005, 03:19 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first,
Kim?" asked Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a
prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again
asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he
guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 11-24-2005, 12:55 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Thursday November 24, 2005

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a
bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he
stated
"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I
said
NO!"
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS
a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started
saying, OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing
them.
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh
my god'?"
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD...OH MY
GOD..
OH MY GOD...
OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars? nike.gif
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #79  
Old 11-27-2005, 02:49 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Sunday November 27, 2005

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will
probably never be able to support you.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
--------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God
created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor
Man has rested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive
and said, "I haven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted an advertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all
said the same thing: "You can have mine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
it once.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 11-27-2005, 03:15 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself.
"Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"
Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars
for the dry cleaning bill."
So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into home and his Jane starts to give him a bad
time.
"You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"
Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla
drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor.
He said he was verrry sorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!"
Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."
"Oh, yeah...I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too."
Reply With Quote
  #81  
Old 11-28-2005, 02:35 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Monday November 28, 2005

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their
wives.
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place
her ball a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear.
"Good God! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy
any."
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the
sake of decency here's 50 pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear".
Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
"Bejesus woman. You've no knickers - why not?"
She replies "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's 20
pounds, go and buy yourself some underwear!".
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt
over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Hoot, lassie! Why d'ye have no knickers?"
She too explains, "You don't give me enough housekeeping money to be
able to afford any."
The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency
here's a comb. Tidy yourself up a bit!"
Reply With Quote
  #82  
Old 11-28-2005, 07:41 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default US Red Neck Special forces

USRSF
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the U.S. REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF).
These Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas, Tennessee and North & South Carolina boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given only the following five facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
Reply With Quote
  #83  
Old 11-28-2005, 10:03 PM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Still Monday
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a year and is
considering divorce.
After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get upstairs to the bedroom". she can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he rips off her clothes. "now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the wall".
"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the hand-stand and her hubby pulls her legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.
"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
Reply With Quote
  #84  
Old 11-30-2005, 12:59 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Tuesday November 29, 2005

On the first day God created the cow.
God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer I
will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for
sixty years. Let me do it for twenty years and I'll give back the other
forty."
And God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog.
God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give back the other ten."
So God agreed (sigh).
On the third day God created the monkey.
God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll
give you a twenty year life span."
Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"
Once again, God agreed.
On the fourth day God created man.
God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy,
enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."
Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take
my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, the ten dog gave back and the
ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."
So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex,
enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front
of the house and bark at everybody!
Reply With Quote
  #85  
Old 11-30-2005, 01:03 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Wednesday November 30, 2005

Hello, is this the FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding
marijuana inside his firewood."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search
the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every
piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swore at Billy Bob and left..
The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.
"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, Buddy"
Reply With Quote
  #86  
Old 12-01-2005, 03:04 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Thursday December 1, 2005

I decide to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go into the washroom. The first stall is taken, so I go into the second stall. I had just sat down when I hear a voice from the other stall.
Hi there, how is it going?
Okay, I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road.
I didn't know what to do, but finally say: Not bad.
Then the voice says: So, what are you doing?
I am starting to find this a bit weird, but I say, Well, I'm going back east.
Then I hear the person, all flustered, say, Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, this idiot in the next stall keeps
answering me!!!
Reply With Quote
  #87  
Old 12-01-2005, 03:09 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

After a hard day at the office, three guys decide to go out for a cocktail to wind down. The bar becomes very crowded, a few drinks turns into many and soon everyone is tanked. All three lose track of each other and end up going home separately. The next day at the office, the three gather by the water cooler to discuss the past evenings events. The first guy says, "I got so drunk last night that I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy pipes in, "That's nothing. I got so drunk that I got in my car and drove it right into a telephone pole. Totaled it. I didn't get hurt but now I have no car."
The third guy says, "Well, I got so drunk that when I got home, I cussed my girlfriend out and knocked over a candle which lit the apartment on fire. She dumped me, all my belongings are destroyed and the home insurance won't cover the damage."
The first guy motions the two to come closer and whispers,
"I'm not sure you understand. Chunks is my dog."
Reply With Quote
  #88  
Old 12-02-2005, 03:47 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Friday December 2, 2005

NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get
fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Gail.
Reply With Quote
  #89  
Old 12-03-2005, 04:48 AM
Striperjim's Avatar
Striperjim Striperjim is offline
Registered User
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Planet Earth
Posts: 4,316
Default

Saturday december 3, 2005

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said, "Sir, what is that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "That is my pet rooster, Chuckie.Wherever I go, Chuckie goes."
"I'm sorry, Sir," said the ticket girl, "We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his
pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"What?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "At our age we've seen them all."
"Yes," said Mildred, "But this one's eating my popcorn!"

Reply With Quote
  #90  
Old 12-04-2005, 04:22 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 546
Default

December 4, 2005

An old miser had no friends, because of his exceptional frugality. Just before he died, he called his doctor, lawyer and minister together around his bedside.

"I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now, and just before they throw the dirt on me, throw the envelopes in."

The three attended the funeral and each threw an envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right, I am going to confess: I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave."

The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000, and threw in only $10,000."

The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
day, insult, joke

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Valentine's Day Facts: Striperjim The Lounge 3 02-13-2009 10:41 AM
joke of the day mikeyred The Lounge 1 03-16-2007 08:23 PM
Fishing Music Library ! TonyDB The Lounge 28 10-16-2006 06:09 AM
Now, a Day at the Beach Can Mean a Day in Court CaptainMorgan! The Lounge 0 09-04-2005 02:19 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:36 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2019 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright 2004 - 2013 Stripers247.com LLC
Affiliated Sites:   Noreast.com   Allcoast.com    2coolfishing.com