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  #46  
Old 10-24-2005, 05:51 AM
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October 24 2005

French Passport
The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.
"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.
"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."
"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to.
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  #47  
Old 10-24-2005, 06:16 AM
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Monday October 24 2005

DEAR TIDE,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent,but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief!
Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having such a great product. Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people . ... ..

Sincerely,

Rita
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  #48  
Old 10-24-2005, 06:22 AM
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Default The Fisherman

The Fisherman
One Saturday morning a fisherman gets up early, dresses quietly, gets lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and heads down to his favorite fishing area.
Coming out of his garage, he is pounded by a torrential downpour of rain. It's freezing, there is snow mixed in with the rain, and a hard wind is blowing with 50 mph. gusts.
He retreats back into the garage and, in disgust, returns to the house and turns the TV on to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.
There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different kind of anticipation, and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible!"
To which she sleepily replies: Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"
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  #49  
Old 10-25-2005, 04:32 AM
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Tuesday October 25, 2005

One Question IQ Test
There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...






















He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."
If you got this wrong...please go back to bed.
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  #50  
Old 10-26-2005, 06:16 AM
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Wednesday October 26, 2005

Joe is in the bathroom, doing his normal business, when an armless guy walks in and steps up to the urinal. "Could you unzip my pants for me, please?" he says.
Joe feels a little bit awkward, but knowning that the guy is handicapped, he walks over and unzips his zipper.
"Could you pull it out for me, please?"
Joe feels even weirder, but he reaches into the guy's boxers and pulls out his penis. It has red bumps all over it, and a few open sores. Joe is repulsed, but he feels so sorry for the armless guy that he helps him anyway. HE helps him aim, put it back in, and zip up his pants.
As Joe is washing his hands, he asks the armless guy, "So, what's the deal with your dick? It looked pretty gross."
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt sleeves and says, "I dunno, man, but I sure as hell ain't touching it."
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  #51  
Old 10-27-2005, 06:00 AM
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Thursday October 27 2005

2006 VIKINGS SCHEDULE

The Minnesota Vikings 2006 schedule and changes.

September
08................Mayo Rehab Clinic
15................Tarkenton Junior High School
22................Cub Scout Troop #101
29................Puckett Blind Academy

October
06.................Spanish American War Vets
13................Crippled Children's Home
20................St. Paul Mental Hospital
27................Girl Scout Troop # 353

November

03.................Twin Cities Venereal Disease Clinic
10.................Cicero Boys Choir
17.................Korean Amputees
24.................Mall of America Maintenance Squad
SPECIAL MONDAY NIGHT GAME

December

02..................OrtonVille Birding club
09..................Minneapolis Gay Boys Club
16..................Twins Wives Alumni Squad
23..................Merciful Bye week 16
** RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - When playing polio patients, the Vikings must not disconnect knee braces.

2 - When playing the Blind Academy, the Vikings must not hide the football under their jerseys.

3 - Game 16. The NFL has allowed a special dispensation to forfeit this game because most of the players will be in rehab or jail for the Christmas Holidays. And if there is anyone left they will surely trade them so as to 'improve the team'. (See R. Moss)

** RULES THE SAME FROM LAST YEAR **

1 - A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line for all you Viking fans that have never seen this ) it is still worth 6 points.

2 - The Vikings will be allowed 20 men on the field at all times.

3 - The Vikings will be allowed to substitute with band members at any time.

4 - The Vikings will be awarded 10 timeouts as opposed to 3 for the opposing team.

5 - The Vikings will be awarded a first down with each gain of three yards or more, instead of the usual ten yards.

** NAME CHANGE **

The Minnesota Vikings will be changed to the "Minnesota Tampons" as they are only good for one period and have no second string.

** COACHING CHANGES **

Mike Tice will be replaced by Monica Lewinsky. She will no doubt blow a few, but she certainly won't choke on the big ones!!!
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  #52  
Old 10-29-2005, 11:01 AM
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October 29 2005

You know your too old to take the kids trick or treating when People start saying, "Great Boris Karloff Mask." and you're not wearing a mask
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  #53  
Old 10-29-2005, 11:12 AM
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Saturday October 29th 2005

:) A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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  #54  
Old 10-30-2005, 11:00 AM
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Sunday October 30 2005

Why math is taught in schools.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
Man, that guy is stupid, I thought to myself.
I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? I think not.
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  #55  
Old 10-31-2005, 04:32 AM
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Monday October 31, 2005


The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk goes "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner goes "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk goes "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough."


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  #56  
Old 11-01-2005, 06:51 AM
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Tuesday November 1, 2005

Second Try
The insurance salesman, trying to start up a conversation with another fella said, "Who is the ugly lady over there?"
The second man said, "Why, that's my wife!"
Trying to get out of an embarrassing situation, the salesman said, "No, not her, the other one!"
The second man said, "That's my daughter!"
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  #57  
Old 11-01-2005, 11:54 PM
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Wednesday November 2, 2005

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo... They come across the gorillas and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.
The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by....
When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.
A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"
"AM I HURT?" he shouts, "Wouldn't you be ? He hasn't called....he hasn't written....."
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  #58  
Old 11-02-2005, 03:46 PM
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The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifiis using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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  #59  
Old 11-03-2005, 06:32 PM
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Thursday November 3, 2005

LIFE UNIVERSITY is offering A new two year degree
BECOMING A REAL MAN.
That's right, in just six terms you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn a degree.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc.

Winter Schedule

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers

Spring Schedule

MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A)

SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
ELECTIVE (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important (1)

Spring Schedule

MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important (2)

Course Electives

EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly
MEN 231 Mother-in-Law
MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear
ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)


Ball and Chain
Ideal for stag/hen nights.


Price: 5.50
Quantity:

Blow up sheep. For those nights in the dog house

Price: 12.50 Quantity:
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  #60  
Old 11-04-2005, 01:24 AM
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Friday November 4, 2005

One day, after a near eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to
God, 'Lord, I have a problem.'
'What's the problem, Adam?', God replies.
'Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me
with this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just
not happy'
'Why is that, Adam?', comes the reply from the heavens.
'Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and
all of the beautiful animals, but I am lonely.'
'Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a
'woman' for you.'
'What's a 'woman', Lord?'
'This 'woman' will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and
beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she
can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive
and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly
care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion
for you.', replies the heavenly voice.
'Sounds great.'
'She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.'
'How much will this 'woman' cost me Lord?', Adam replies.
'She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your
left testicle.'
Adam ponders this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern
on his face. Finally Adam says to God, 'Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?'
The rest, as they say, is history.
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