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  #256  
Old 03-05-2007, 11:12 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Spell Checker
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
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  #257  
Old 03-07-2007, 01:04 PM
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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #258  
Old 03-13-2007, 01:09 AM
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Talking Re: Hottie Thread

Polish Sausage
"In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage."
The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"
The guy, (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"
The clerk says, "Well, no!"
"If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?" "Well, I probably wouldn't!"
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I ask for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
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  #259  
Old 03-13-2007, 09:28 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A littler old lady is at the checkout and the girl pulls the cans of catfood from her order. " I cant sell you this until you prove to me that you have a cat. Too many older people have been eating catfood" she explains. So the woman brings her cat in to the store and is allowed to buy the catfood. While she was there,she thought she'd buy some dogfood for Rex. Again she was requested to prove she had the animal, and she brought Rex in. The following day she came in to the store went straight to the checkout with a brown paper bag. She told the girl " Put your hand in here and tell me what you feel". The girl's face twisted up with disgust as she felt the soft stuff inside. The old lady tells her " Since I have to prove the need for things I buy, I'm out of toilet paper".
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  #260  
Old 03-13-2007, 10:48 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, how did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."
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  #261  
Old 03-13-2007, 05:26 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy a half head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half head of lettuce. As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada? the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."
"Really? said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"No sh*t?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
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  #262  
Old 03-15-2007, 02:08 AM
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Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road in upstate NY one evening when an old cow walked in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't. The old cow was hit and killed.
Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray and his face was smeared with lipstick. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand and an expensive Cuban cigar in the other, smiling happily from cheek to
cheek.
"What happened?" demanded Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" insisted Hillary.
The driver replied: "I
said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed
the old cow. Things kinda got confused after that. "
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  #263  
Old 03-15-2007, 02:10 AM
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John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.
Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.
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  #264  
Old 03-15-2007, 02:17 AM
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Thumbs down Re: Joke Of The Day

A man was lying on a blanket at the beach He had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss".
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
Have you ever been screwed?
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
The woman smiled and said "You will be when the tide comes in."
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  #265  
Old 03-16-2007, 10:12 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Two old jews meet in Florida and she asks " So, vhat's with you? "
"I'm a vidower " he responds " and how about you ? '"
" A vidow I am, and you live alone, huh? "
" Yeah" says he " and you?"
" Yeah, alone.... but two could live as cheap as one, dont you think?"
" For sure, so you're talkin' move in together?" he asks.
" This ve could do" says she " but first, two things I have to know"
" So ask" says he
" So first" asks she " Vhat's with you and money?
" I'm pretty well off. I've got enough cash to be comfortable, with some securities and bonds on top" says he " next qvestion"
"Just one other thing" says she " Vhat's with you and sex?"
" Oh,....infrequently" he reponds.
She thinks for minute or two and then asks " is this von or two words?"
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  #266  
Old 03-16-2007, 11:56 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

For St Patricks day:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

************************************************************************
************

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said,
' Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

************************************************************************
************

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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  #267  
Old 03-17-2007, 05:47 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

The liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.

The teacher lifted it up and noticed that is was leaking a little bit.

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

Is it wine? she guessed.

No, the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, Champagne?

No, said the little boy. It's a puppy!
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  #268  
Old 03-19-2007, 12:05 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

HOW TO STAY MARRIED

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They
had shared everything. They had talked about everything.

They had kept no secrets from each other except that the
little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box,
but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would
not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.


He asked her about the contents. "When we were to be married," she
said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to
never argue.

She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just
keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears.
Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with
him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all
of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
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  #269  
Old 03-20-2007, 04:07 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Comparison
PRISON
you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell
WORK
you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle
PRISON
you get three meals a day fully paid for
WORK
you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it
PRISON
you get time off for good behavior
WORK
you get more work for good behavior
PRISON
the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
WORK
you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself
PRISON
you can watch TV and play games
WORK
you could get fired for watching TV and playing games
PRISON
you get your own toilet
WORK
you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat
PRISON
they allow your family and friends to visit
WORK
you aren't even supposed to speak to your family
PRISON
all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
WORK
you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
PRISON
you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
WORK
you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars
PRISON
you must deal with sadistic wardens
WORK
they are called managers

THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE!!

Now get back to work. You're not getting paid to surf the net
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  #270  
Old 03-20-2007, 11:50 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged. Since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself,
I put him there to dry."
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