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  #151  
Old 07-27-2006, 02:41 AM
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LOST IN WAL MART

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy,"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?" "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and she's wearing a see-thru blouse and really short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."
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  #152  
Old 07-27-2006, 04:03 PM
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French Intelligence Officers.

The new French Foreign Legion captain was assigned to a remote post in the Sudanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. "Well, mon capitaine," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here in camp and no women and sometimes the men have...'urges'. That's why we have the camel, sir." The captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges'. The camel can stay." About a month later, the captain starts having a real problem! with his own 'urges' and orders the sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel the captain stands on it, pulls down his pants and has sex with the camel. Upon completing the act, he asks the sergeant, "is that how the men do it, "Uh, no sir," the sergeant replies.
"They usually just ride the camel into town."
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  #153  
Old 07-28-2006, 06:10 PM
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Default It takes a college degree to fly a plane

It takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to
fix one: a reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet",
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics fix
the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are
some of the actual complaints submitted by Qantas pilots (marked P) and the
solutions recorded (marked S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on the ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. sounds like a midget
pounding on something with hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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  #154  
Old 07-29-2006, 02:18 PM
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The Purina Diet

If this doesn't cheer you up, nothing will.
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?
On impulse, I told her no, but that I was starting The Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't because last time I'd ended up in the hospital. Although I'd lost 50 pounds, I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets. You simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought the black guy was going to have to have help as he laughingly staggered to the door.
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  #155  
Old 07-31-2006, 02:58 PM
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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out
anyway!
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

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  #156  
Old 08-02-2006, 05:21 PM
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WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is
wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally
conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion
sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn'tknow you were into
earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring,"the co-worker
replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity
prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."



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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #157  
Old 08-05-2006, 03:58 AM
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Here is a list of handy Latin phrases:

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?
Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.
Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.
Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.
Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.
Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!
Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!
Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!
Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!
Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam
Possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
Could chuck wood?
Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing, in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.
Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.
Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business!
Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.
Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.
Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.
Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed
Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!
Insula Gilliganis
Gilligan's Island

And now for the new and improved version of Latin:
Pro bozo publico
Support your local clown. (or politician, your call)
Harlez-vous francais?
Can you drive a French motorcycle?
Idios amigos
We're wild and crazy guys!
Veni, vipi, vici
I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered.
Cogito eggo sum
I think; therefore I waffle.
Rigor Morris
The cat is dead.
Respondez s'il vous plaid
Honk if you're Scottish.
In vino veritas
In wine, truth.
Veni, vidi, visa
I came, I saw, I shopped.
Que sera serf
Life is feudal.
Le roi est mort. Jive le roi
The king is dead. No kidding.
Posh mortem
Death styles of the rich and famous.
Monage a trois
I am three years old.
Felix navidad
Our cat has a boat.
Haste cuisine
Fast French food.
Veni, vidi, vice
I came, I saw, I partied.
Quip pro quo
A fast retort.
Aloha oy
Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never know.
Mazel ton
Tons of luck.
Visa la france
Don't leave your chateau without it.
Amicus puriae
Platonic friend.
L'etat, c'est moo
I'm bossy around here.
Cogito, ergo spud
I think, therefore I Yam. (OK, more than one letter.)
Veni, vidi, velcro
I came, I saw, I stuck around. (OK, another exception.)


_________________________________
Pro bozo publico
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  #158  
Old 08-05-2006, 04:14 AM
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Anyone seen the canary?

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  #159  
Old 08-18-2006, 01:21 PM
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DON'T MESS WITH US OLD MEN...........

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles.

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right, Dumb Ass, get in."
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  #160  
Old 09-02-2006, 08:39 PM
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Can You tell the difference
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  #161  
Old 09-03-2006, 03:41 AM
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__________________
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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #162  
Old 09-03-2006, 02:07 PM
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Vacation time was sun-tan time as far as Joan, an admirably proportioned secretary, was concerned, and she spent almost all of her day on the roof of her hotel sopping up the warm sun's rays. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so pulling a towel over her derriere, she continued to recline as before.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hotel Plaza doesn't mind your sunning on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing your bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather coolly. "No one can see me up here and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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  #163  
Old 09-03-2006, 02:11 PM
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THE STUPID SIGN

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."
Anybody you know need a sign today?
The next time someone says something stupid ask them where their sign is.
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  #164  
Old 09-12-2006, 10:53 AM
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caution! open in private! move cursor around http://humour25.free.fr/telechargeme...h/jj1/vz01.swf



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  #165  
Old 09-12-2006, 02:07 PM
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YOWZA!



The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when
one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't
know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've
been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I
get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast
into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into
the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my
leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and
my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying
out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're
obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into
the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee
hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush,
throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom,
then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!,
"WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound
asleep. Works Every Time!
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