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  #136  
Old 06-13-2006, 06:42 PM
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Exact Change

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.
The man sez, "I'll have a beer," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have a beer, too," says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and sez "That will be $3.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says,"I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.
This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scottish," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20," says the bartender.
Once again, the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar. The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.
"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," sez the man.
The bartender asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man replies, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs."
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  #137  
Old 06-29-2006, 03:39 AM
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Default Our wonderful health care system

Our wonderful health care system

. . Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same
complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip
replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day
and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The second sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an
appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an
x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery
scheduled for a month from then.

Why the difference?

The first is a Golden Retriever. The second is a Senior Citizen.
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  #138  
Old 07-07-2006, 03:52 AM
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Gifts from Sons

Four brothers left home for college, and they
became successful doctors
and lawyers and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner
together. They
discussed the gifts they were able to give their
elderly mother who lived
far away in another city.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar
theater built in the
house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver
an SL600 to her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading
the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very
well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite
the entire bible. It
took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had
to pledge to contribute
$100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but
it was worth it. Mamma
just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You
notes.
She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in
only one room, but I
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I
have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought
was good. Thanks."
" Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with
Dolby sound, it could
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've
lost my hearing and
I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for
the gesture just the
same."
" Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the
good sense to give a
little thought to your gift. The chicken was
delicious. Thank you."
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  #139  
Old 07-07-2006, 04:01 AM
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man.
That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".
Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this
must be a sign from God!"
The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine, celebrate our good fortune and see where the
evening leads."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..
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  #140  
Old 07-08-2006, 06:43 PM
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A Fisherman goes into the Fishmongers and buys six striped bass.
The fishmonger asks "Do you want them wrapped sir?"
The Fisherman replies "No thank you.
Could you do me a favor though.
Could you throw them to me gently one by one."
"Yes sir I can but why?" he enquired. "Well" explained the fisherman.
"I have been fishing all night and all day. I haven't caught anything.
If you throw me those stripers and I catch them I can honestly say
when I get home that I caught six."
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  #141  
Old 07-11-2006, 09:30 AM
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Moral of the story


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. Ask their parent's
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back, and one by one began to tell their
story's.
" Tony, do you have a story to share?"
Yes Um. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen.
She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit.
She had to bailout over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of
whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then her
parachute landed her right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.
She shot fifteen of them with the gun until it ran out of bullets. Killed
four more with the knife, until the blade broke, and then she killed the
last Iraqi with her bare hands.
" Good heavens! said the horrified teacher" What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from this horrified story.


Stay the F- - - away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking.
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  #142  
Old 07-11-2006, 09:35 AM
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FEMALE COMPASSION *
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.
He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"
The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been f**ked?"
The fellow said "No", She said "You will be when the tide comes in"
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  #143  
Old 07-13-2006, 11:32 AM
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A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table:





To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime day after tomorrow."
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  #144  
Old 07-15-2006, 08:16 AM
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door...
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"Are you kidding? NO, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!"
His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

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  #145  
Old 07-15-2006, 01:46 PM
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An Italian man needs a job

An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.


"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when ia start?"
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  #146  
Old 07-15-2006, 05:38 PM
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That was a good one.
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  #147  
Old 07-18-2006, 12:43 AM
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different Colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the Old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's The matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
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  #148  
Old 07-20-2006, 03:30 AM
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A state trooper pulls over a man on a road for speeding. The trooper asks for the man's insurance and license and tells the guy he was speeding. The trooper continues and lectures the guy about driving too fast. Politely the man just listens.

Soon the Trooper begins to write a ticket but he keeps swatting at a couple of flies. The man asks the Trooper if the circle flies are bothering him. The Trooper asks,"What's a circle fly?" The man responds saying, "Back on the ranch, those flies fly in circles around the back end of a horse." The Trooper continues to write the ticket but raises his head and asks the man, "Are you saying I'm a horse's ass?" The man politely responds and says, "Oh no officer, I have much respect for the law." The officer continues to write the ticket and after a short silence, the man says to the officer, "Sure is hard to fool them flies though."
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  #149  
Old 07-25-2006, 12:21 PM
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The Miracle Of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take piece of paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your ass, didn't it?"
. . . He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
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  #150  
Old 07-25-2006, 12:23 PM
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SOME WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE


A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room!"
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