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  #106  
Old 01-03-2006, 04:47 AM
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Default Who is that man?

Who is that man?
After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. The guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?"
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy.
The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery.
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  #107  
Old 01-10-2006, 06:57 AM
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Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill
Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories ! His cool professor
gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, andsubsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
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  #108  
Old 01-13-2006, 09:42 AM
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Bra Sizes: Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!
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  #109  
Old 01-13-2006, 09:00 PM
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In the Dark

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the
Swiss Alps, are a French guy, an American guy, an old Greek
lady and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few
seconds later there is a the sound of a loud slap.
When the train emerges from the tunnel, the
Frenchman has a bright red hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.
The old Greek lady thinks: The Frenchman must have
groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Frenchman must have
tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and
fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Frenchman thinks: The American must have
groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but
missed and got me instead.
The American thinks: "I can't wait for another
tunnel, so I can smack that French guy again."
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  #110  
Old 01-17-2006, 12:34 AM
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Divorced Barbie

One day a father gets out of work and on his way
home he remembers
that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to
a toy store and asks
the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the
display window?"
The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have: Work
out Barbie for
$19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95 Beach Barbie for
$19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Divorced Barbie for
$265.95.
The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced
Barbie $265.95
and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers : "Sir...,
"Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
one of Ken's Friends.
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  #111  
Old 01-25-2006, 04:59 PM
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Voted best joke of the year in Australia.


Kris walks into his bedroom with a sheep under
his arm and says:
Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you
have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I
think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find I wasn't
talking to you."
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  #112  
Old 01-26-2006, 07:01 AM
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here's one I heard the other day.

A husband forgets his wifes birthday.
She's really pissed and says, "when I get home from work there'd better be something in the driveway that when I step on it, it will do 0-200 in <5 seconds."
Wife gets home from work and sees a small gift wrapped box sitting in the driveway.
Upon openning, she finds a bathroom scale.
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  #113  
Old 01-26-2006, 10:43 AM
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and a few more....

Senior moments:

Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."


A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"



When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m." I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"


Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"


THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
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  #114  
Old 01-26-2006, 11:45 AM
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Here's one for you Terri.

A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand a man, to love and to forgive him, and for Patience. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat the sh$t out of him. :)
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  #115  
Old 02-07-2006, 01:01 AM
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this one is freakin hilarious!!

One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.

The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
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  #116  
Old 02-11-2006, 08:00 PM
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Default The Bug

The Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off. Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what the heck was that?"
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, "It ...it was only a bug, Honey."
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said...."Sure had a big dick, didn't it?"
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How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke
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  #117  
Old 02-13-2006, 03:02 PM
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Know why President Bush doesn't have pierced nipples?















Because he already has a Dick Cheney.
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  #118  
Old 02-15-2006, 01:16 AM
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Once upon a time, in a land far away,
a beautiful, independent self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry
and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother,
where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly saut?ed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce,
she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't ****************ing think so!!!!
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How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke
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  #119  
Old 02-15-2006, 10:17 PM
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I TOLD MY WIFE THAT IF I AM EVER IN A VEGETATIVE STATE WHERE I HAVE TO DEPEND ON FLUIDS AND ELECTRONIC DEVICES TO KEEP ME ALIVE TO JUST PULL THE PLUG! -----
-----
-----
-----

-----
-----

she then got up off the couch, went into the kitchen and threw all my beer away and unplugged the television set!



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  #120  
Old 02-17-2006, 07:17 PM
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When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper
thing to do is to find
out who the father is and see why he is not
providing support. The following
are all replies that Dallas women have written on
Child Support Agency forms in
the section for listing father's details. Or
putting it another way...Who's
yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the
forms.
Be sure to check out # 11 - it takes the prize and
# 3 is runner up.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my
twins, child A was fathered by
Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the
father of child B, but I
believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from
behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at
the party if this helps.
3. I do not know the name of the father of my
little girl. She was conceived
at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had
unprotected sex with a man I met
that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do
manage to track down the father, can you send me
his phone number? Thanks.
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my
daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto heels in
one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in
this area and see if he's had it
replaced.
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a
Virginian. I am awaiting a
letter from the Pope confirming that my son's
conception was immaculate and
that he is Christ risen again.
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as
he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have
cataclysmic implications for the
economy. I am torn between doing right by you and
right by the country.
Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as
all blacks look the same
to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do
catch up with him, can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B
who was also borned at the
same time.... well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was
conceived at Disney World;
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only
thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs
earlier in the evening. If I'd
have stayed in and watched more TV rather than
going to the party at 146 Miller
Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
my baby, after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one
made you fart.

Yep, you guessed it right. You are all paying taxes
to support these dim
bulbs.
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How inappropriate to call this planet Earth when it is quite clearly Ocean.
Arthur C. Clarke
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