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The Lounge Off-topic discussion here. Non-fishing related chit chat & banter. No Divisive subject matter - No Viscious Political and Religious debates please.


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  #91  
Old 12-08-2005, 08:10 PM
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Thursday December 8, 2005

Einstein at Party

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" To which the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?"
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  #92  
Old 12-15-2005, 06:07 PM
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Thursday December 15 2005

Redneck Sex Test. (True or False)

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
5. The clitoris is a type of flower.
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
7. Semen is a term for sailors.
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Houston.
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
23. Pornography is the business of making records.
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve."
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  #93  
Old 12-15-2005, 06:14 PM
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Tongue Twisters

A guy with a black eye boards a plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if ask how you got yours?"
The guy who was already sitting down explains, "Well, it just happened; it was a tongue-twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the largest set of breasts in the world was working there. So, instead of saying 'I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh', I said, 'I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh.' She socked me one."
The first guy laughs and says, "Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.' But I accidentally said, 'You ruined my life, you fat bitch.'"
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  #94  
Old 12-15-2005, 11:00 PM
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Mujibar

Mujibar wanted his green card so that he could stay in the USA. The
immigration officer said,
"Mujibar, you have passed all of the tests, except one. You must pass it, or
you cannot stay in the United States".
Mujibar said, "I am ready".
The officer said, "Use the words yellow, pink and green in the same
sentence".
Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "The telephone goes green,
green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar".
Mujibar now lives in a neighborhood near you and works at a Verizon help
desk. I talked to him yesterday.
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  #95  
Old 12-16-2005, 12:49 AM
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Friday December 16 2005

A married couple both lost their jobs at the broom factory, and were having a hard time finding new jobs.
Unfortunately, their mounting credit card debt required some immediate income. The wife suggested that she could whore herself out, but her husband was a little less than thrilled about the prospect. But financial necessities got the best of her, and she went behind her husband's back to go whoring. She came back one night with a huge wad of cash, and fessed up to her hubby. He was upset, but asked how much she made.
"$402," she said.
"Who paid two dollars?" he asked.
"Everybody."
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  #96  
Old 12-17-2005, 01:55 AM
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Saturday December 17, 2005

A gentleman is sitting next to the Pope on an airplane. He sees that the Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He thinks to himself, "I love doing crossword puzzles. I hope he will ask me for help."
Time passes, and the Pope says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know a four-letter word that describes a woman and ends in 'unt'?"
The gentleman thinks about this and was about to answer when he realized he couldn't say something like that to the Pope. He thinks a while longer and finally says, "I believe the word you're looking for is 'aunt'."
The Pope replies, "Oh, you're right. That fits too. Would you happen to have an eraser?"
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  #97  
Old 12-17-2005, 03:34 AM
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Default Old Santa was pissed

Old Santa was pissed

Christmas Story
'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season
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  #98  
Old 12-18-2005, 09:30 PM
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Sunday December 18, 2005

Ugly Baby
A young woman was sitting on the bus cooing to her baby when a drunk staggered aboard and down the aisle. Stopping in front of her, he looked down and pronounced, "Lady, that is the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman burst into tears, and there was such an outcry of sympathy among the other passengers that they kicked the drunk off. But the woman kept on sobbing and wailing so loudly that finally the driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road.
"Look, I don't know what that bum said to you," the driver told his inconsolable passenger, "but to help calm you down, I am going to get you some water and a banana for your pet.
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  #99  
Old 12-19-2005, 03:29 AM
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Monday December 19, 2005

Gandhi

Let's talk about Gandhi. He was a brilliant man, a super man of his time. Unfortunately, he walked everywhere, and so he developed hundreds of blisters/callouses on his feet. He fasted all the time, and so he was as skinny and fragile as a twig, and his breath smelled terrible because of the lack of nutrients. Overall, he was the mystic of his time.
Summarized into one sentence, Gandhi was this: A super-calloused, fragile-mystic, plagued with halitosis.
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  #100  
Old 12-19-2005, 03:31 AM
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Alabama State Police

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, ''Why'd you do that? The trooper says, ''You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready.''
Driver says, ''I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, ''What'd you do that for?'' The cop says, ''Just making your wishes come true.''
The passenger says, ''Huh?''
The cop says, ''I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that mother f**ker would've tried that s**t with me.
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  #101  
Old 12-19-2005, 04:41 AM
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The Unfaithful One
The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!
"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do
this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving
this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead
and allowed her in my car. I
noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and
hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you
last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain
weight; the poor thing, practically devoured them. Since she was very
dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her
the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no
longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse
that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because you said I
don't have good taste.

I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you
will not wear just to bother my sister and I
also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that
you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.

When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
her eyes, she asked me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"
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  #102  
Old 12-21-2005, 03:56 AM
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Wednesday December 21, 2005
(1 more minute of daylight today)

Provided as a public service for Interpreting Women
WHAT WOMEN SAY & REALLY MEAN:
CAN'T WE JUST BE FRIENDS?
There is no way in hell I'm going to let any part of your body touch any part of mine, again.
I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.
OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
... just not in that way.
YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.
WE'RE MOVING TOO QUICKLY.
I'm not going to sleep with you until I find out if this guy at the gym has a girlfriend.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.
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  #103  
Old 12-23-2005, 12:29 AM
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Friday December 23, 2005

5 Men and 1 Woman Stranded

A ship goes out to sea and sinks in a storm. Six people (5 men and 1 woman) survive by using a raft to float to a deserted island.
After spending several weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely; and extremely horny. They all come to an agreement: each man will marry the woman for a week.
The first man has her for one week, then the second man has her for the second week, and so on. Everyone will now be getting their needs filled.
This goes on for two years and everyone is happy with the plan...Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman gets a great variety of delight. A few weeks into the third year, the woman suddenly dies.
Needless to say, the first week is pretty bad; the second week is worse; the third week is nearly unbearable; the fourth week things are just awful. The fifth week is bad beyond words.
In fact it's getting so bad that on the sixth week......They bury her
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  #104  
Old 12-27-2005, 02:02 AM
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Ok the heck with the date.

Why Did the Chicken cross the road?

SAEED AL SAHAF - Iraqi Head of Information
The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do
not even have a chicken.
GEORGE W BUSH
We don't care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the
chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for
us or against us. There is no middle ground.
COLIN POWELL
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road.
TONY BLAIR
I agree with George.
HANS BLIX
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
DR SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without
having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us
the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
TRICIA
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of moulting, and went on to accomplish its dream
of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.
ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX
It was an historic inevitability.
RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?
SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road
reveals your underlying physical insecurity.
BILL GATES
Chicken2003 will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your
important documents, and balance your chequebook - and Internet
Explorer is an integral part of eChicken.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?
BILL CLINTON
What is your definition of chicken?
THE BIBLE
And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS
THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was
rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS
Did I miss one?
HOMER SIMPSON
Mmmmmmmmm . . . . c h i c k e n
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  #105  
Old 12-27-2005, 02:04 AM
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and last but not least.

Why did the degenerate cross the road?

Because he couldnt get his _ _ _ _ out of the chickens a_ _ hole.
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