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  #31  
Old 10-11-2005, 10:14 PM
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October 11, 2005

The Midget

This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse and I'm sending him over."
The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male or female horse.
"A female horth," the midget replies.
So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.
"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.
"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.
"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat." With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.
Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase that. I would like to thee the horth run.

:) Good jokes are hard to find.
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  #32  
Old 10-11-2005, 10:21 PM
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Very good, I love it. It is the joke of the day.
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  #33  
Old 10-12-2005, 04:38 AM
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Default Thats not your phone

October 12, 2005

Thats Not Your Phone

Its late! :)
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  #34  
Old 10-12-2005, 10:03 PM
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That's freakin hilarious Jim!!
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  #35  
Old 10-14-2005, 09:18 AM
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October 14 2005

No need to say anything. :)


A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather sexy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my behind?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
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  #36  
Old 10-15-2005, 12:54 AM
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October 15, 2005

The Smart Irishman

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."

Murphy, saddened and shocked by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walked from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son, who had been waiting for him. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.

After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends, who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.

He told his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone!"
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  #37  
Old 10-17-2005, 03:14 PM
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October 17, 2005


One afternoon, a well-to-do lawyer was riding in his
shiny limousine when he saw two men along the roadside
eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got
out to investigate the situation. He asked one man,
"Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man
replied. "We HAVE TO EAT GRASS!"

The lawyer then said, "Well, then, you can come with
me to my house and I'll feed you!"

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They
are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the
other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and
six children with me!"

"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed
into the huge limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the
lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."

Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a
foot high!"

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  #38  
Old 10-17-2005, 06:06 PM
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October 17 2005

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex. After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead!
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  #39  
Old 10-18-2005, 05:43 PM
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October 18 2005

Two backwoods hillbillies lived across the river from each other who feuded constantly. Jethro hated Clarence with a passion and never passed up a chance to throw rocks across the river at Clarence.
This went on for years, until one day, the Corps of Engineers came to build a bridge across that river. Jethro was elated; he told his wife that finally he was going to get the chance to cross over and whip Clarence.
He left the house and returned in a matter of minutes.
His wife asked what was wrong, didn't he intend to go over the bridge and whip Clarence?
He replied that he never had really seen Clarence up close and didn't realize his size until he started over the bridge and saw the sign: "CLEARANCE 8 FT 3 IN."
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  #40  
Old 10-19-2005, 11:54 PM
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October 20, 2005

UPON BEING INFORMED BY THE PILOT THAT THE PLANE WAS WITHOUT POWER AND PLEASE ASSUME THE EMERGENCY POSITIONS FOR CRASH LANDING, AN ITALIAN WOMAN STARTED TO PUT ON ALL HER JEWELRY, ASKED THE STEWARDESS "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT? WE ARE ABOUT TO CRASH!" THE WOMAN REPLIED " WHEN THEY SEARCH FOR SURVIVORS THEY WILL SEE MY JEWELS AND FIND ME FIRST. THEN THE JEWISH WOMAN WAS PUTTING ALL HER CASH IN HER BELT WRISTBAND AND BLOUSE POCKETS STICKING OUT. WHEN THEY SEARCH, THEY WILL SEE THE MONEY AND FIND ME! THE BLACK WOMAN WAS STICKING HER JEWELRY/MONEY/ DOWN HER PANTS AND WHEN ASKED WHY SHE REPLIED "DON'T YOU KNOW! THE FIRST THING DEY LOOK FOW IS DA BLACK BOX!



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  #41  
Old 10-21-2005, 05:35 AM
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October 21 2005

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and explains that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."
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  #42  
Old 10-21-2005, 05:47 AM
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October 22, 2005


Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
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  #43  
Old 10-22-2005, 09:46 PM
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THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will
you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!" And the
guy lived happily ever after and went
fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

THE END



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  #44  
Old 10-23-2005, 06:22 AM
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Good one Zim !!
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  #45  
Old 10-24-2005, 05:42 AM
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October 23 2005

Brand New Edition of "You know you're a redneck when..."

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
And last, but not least...
31. Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth, so you take them out to see what it is!
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