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  #721  
Old 07-16-2013, 10:46 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Subject: The Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show
us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused
for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend
of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
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  #722  
Old 07-22-2013, 09:25 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

In the nursing home, Herb would go visit Edna in her room. They would have sex. Now, sex for them was him giving her a good rub in sensitive places, and she would unzip him and reach in and sort-of hold him. After not meeting with him for two weeks in her room, she asked him where he had been. He told her that he had been seeing another woman on the other floor. She asked him 'What has she got that I haven't got ?" He answered, " Parkinsons."
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  #723  
Old 07-25-2013, 05:44 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Subject: helping out a friend

A man brings his best friend home for dinner. His wife screams,
"You asshole! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess,
the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas, and I can't be bothered
with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home with you?"

"Cause he's thinking about getting married."
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  #724  
Old 07-29-2013, 01:01 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A guy walks in the bar and orders three martinis. The barkeep sets up three glasses and asks " What are we celebrating?" The guy answers " I just got my first b**w job." "Wow", says the barkeep I'll even buy you one" and sets up another glass. " No thanks", says the guy, " if three don't kill the taste, four won't"
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  #725  
Old 07-30-2013, 10:15 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A pretty young thing in the office marries and old dude with money and goes off on honeymoon. When she gets back she tells of all the wonderful things she saw and bought. Tells everyone about the great places and wonderful food. The office girls now tell her to cut to the chase and ask " How was the sex?" She though5t for a minute and answered " Have you ever tried to stuff a marshmellow into a piggy bank?"
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  #726  
Old 09-03-2013, 09:17 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

After both suffering from depression for awhile, the wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough,
once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, screw it, I'll soldier on!
****
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  #727  
Old 09-04-2013, 07:04 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her " Only you. All the others kept me awake all night."
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  #728  
Old 09-14-2013, 10:32 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The wife's back on the warpath again. Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part
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  #729  
Old 09-19-2013, 09:35 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare." So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their dads are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks on Friday.
Damn, this is a great country!
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  #730  
Old 09-21-2013, 02:47 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself. I still have one good arm to do things. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.
He asked, 'Why are you so happy anyway?'
He said, 'I'm NOT happy. My balls itch.'
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  #731  
Old 09-23-2013, 08:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I woke up this morning at 8 and just felt that something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30
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  #732  
Old 09-27-2013, 09:58 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

My wife packed my bags and said " GET OUT !!!". As I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard". "Oh," I replied, " so now you want me to stay!".
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  #733  
Old 01-01-2014, 08:56 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A being interviewed for a job was asked what he considered was his biggest weakness.
He answered " My honesty."
The interviewer responded, " I don't think honesty is a weakness."
The man replied " I really don't give a shit what you think."
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  #734  
Old 03-28-2014, 04:39 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A woman at the doctor's office felt just fine, but complained about the arguments with her husband. She felt he was angry for every little thing and no matter what she did he wouldn't settle down. The doctor told her when this occurs, to take a glass of water and start swishing it in her mouth until he leaves the room. On a later visit she was asked how everything was going. She told the doctor that the swishing was absolutely wonderful, and she couldn't believe that the water work so magically. The doc said " It's not the water, my dear,........it's you keeping your mouth shut."
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  #735  
Old 03-31-2014, 07:40 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Proof that Men Have
Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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