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  #1  
Old 12-18-2006, 10:32 AM
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LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
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Default Holiday Tips & Humor!

Holiday Eating Tips:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave
immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that
it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!


3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car
with an automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your
eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.
You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the
time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while
carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted
Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or
get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips and
start over, but hurry - January is just around the corner
.

Remember this motto to live by:


"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, a cheesecake in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"
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Last edited by LittleCasino; 12-18-2006 at 10:58 AM. Reason: Changed my mind
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  #2  
Old 12-18-2006, 10:44 AM
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LittleCasino LittleCasino is offline
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Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men


This is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb,
went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we
discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact
there is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so "And
lo, the gifts were inside 600 square cubits of paper. And the
paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And
Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!' And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was
more interested in the paper than the frankincense."

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the
very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the
people giving those gifts had two important characteristics
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers.

Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so
somebody else can tear it off.

This is not just my opinion, this is a scientific fact based on a
statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the
only time he ever wraps a gift is "If it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it."

The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter
of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one
ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,"
Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous
spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills,
I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a
deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping
paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am
done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift
peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking
pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies,
the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by
Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane.

My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries
separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental
illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual
volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills, like having
babies, that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when
the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it,
you can claim that it's myrrh.

* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how
to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with
an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of
food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper!
Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive
bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to
delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning

Your wife: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

You: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

Your wife: (peering into the trash bag) It's a leaf blower.

You: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

Your wife: I want a divorce.

You: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you
give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very
special time of year, is that you save the receipt
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  #3  
Old 12-18-2006, 08:21 PM
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Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips

This isn't new...but worth viewing, especially this time of year. I'm just glad I don't live across the street!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BrdO9GagGoM
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  #4  
Old 12-21-2006, 12:43 AM
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Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips

http://www.thecompassgroup.biz/merryxmas.swf
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Old 12-21-2006, 12:52 AM
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Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips



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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #6  
Old 12-21-2006, 01:12 AM
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Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?



http://www.blogthings.com/whichofsan...eerareyouquiz/
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  #7  
Old 12-21-2006, 03:34 AM
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Default Re: Holiday Eating Tips

You Are Blitzen



Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party
down with Santa.
Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on
Christmas Eve, while flying!
Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.
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