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  #676  
Old 01-06-2012, 10:42 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?



She fits in your wife's clothes......
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  #677  
Old 01-07-2012, 01:06 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was at a class reunion with my wife and got called all kinds of bad names including pedophile. That' just because I'm 60 and she's 20

.....damn near spoilt our 10th anniversary.
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  #678  
Old 01-08-2012, 10:10 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Ok.....Running gag....fill some in.

You know you're a redneck if:

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

Your boat hasn't left the driveway in 15 years.

Your burn your yard rather than mow it.
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  #679  
Old 01-09-2012, 08:06 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Your house has wheels, but your car doesn't.

You have to go outside to pee, because the sink is full of dishes.

Your TV is worth more than your house.

Your rating of a "good date" is based upon who shot the most ducks.
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  #680  
Old 01-11-2012, 12:44 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

You think the " Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive

The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

You offer someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
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  #681  
Old 01-13-2012, 10:22 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has " ammo" on her Christmas list.
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  #682  
Old 01-14-2012, 10:46 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Redneck cont.......

You keep flea a tick soap in the shower.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
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  #683  
Old 01-19-2012, 05:20 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Yep.....Redneck cont.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.
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  #684  
Old 01-20-2012, 10:44 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Redneck still.......

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say " Cool Whip " on the side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.
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  #685  
Old 01-25-2012, 02:04 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

NAG, NAG, NAG...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed, and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on she went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
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  #686  
Old 01-25-2012, 05:53 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job. I said " Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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  #687  
Old 01-27-2012, 10:31 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

An old woman is sipping on a glass of wine sitting on the front porch with her husband. She says " I love you so much.....I don't know how I could ever live without you." He asks her, " Is that you talking, or is it the wine?"

She says, " It's me......talking to the wine."
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  #688  
Old 01-31-2012, 10:31 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

This economy is really affecting me. I now DIG my own worms, WALK to the water,and Row my boat. Affected my wife too. She's having sex with me. 'cause she can't afford the batteries.
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  #689  
Old 02-01-2012, 02:54 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

Last edited by JakeF; 02-06-2012 at 07:37 AM. Reason: Unauthorized advertising links removed.
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  #690  
Old 02-05-2012, 01:39 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

My wife told me to go to the doctor and get some
of those pills that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back
and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm still looking for a place to live.
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