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  #646  
Old 03-25-2011, 11:25 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A woman calls the newspaper to announce the death of her husband. Freds dead is all she told the receptionist to put in the obituary.
But mam said the receptionist, thats all you want to put in the paper? If money is an issue the first 6 words are free.
So the lady says Ok.
Freds dead bass boat for sale.
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  #647  
Old 04-06-2011, 09:12 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
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  #648  
Old 04-08-2011, 09:53 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station,
filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street.. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'!!
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  #649  
Old 04-22-2011, 12:32 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells GREAT.
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  #650  
Old 04-27-2011, 08:58 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:

They tried to kill us. We won.
Let's eat.
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  #651  
Old 05-11-2011, 09:23 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Letís get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. '

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....


=
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  #652  
Old 05-27-2011, 10:22 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Priest said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be
prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Priest
asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his
other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed
and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole
congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.




After a few minutes, the Priest removed his hands, stood back
and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
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  #653  
Old 06-02-2011, 09:21 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute.'

The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
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  #654  
Old 06-16-2011, 05:28 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Sister Mary Bag-o-donuts thought one day, she'd had enough of the rather rough language coming from the construction site next door to the convent. Dressed in her crisp habit, she took a brown paper bag with a sandwich in it and decided to have lunch with the crew. She approached a group of men having lunch and asked " Do any of you men know JESUS CHRIST?" They looked at each other, not knowing what to expect. Finally one worker yelled up into the high steel " Hey Larry, do any of you guys up there know JESUS CHRIST ?" Larry asks " Why?" The worker responds, " 'Cause his wife's here with his lunch."
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  #655  
Old 09-03-2011, 09:41 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Two Jews walking by the Catholic church noticed a sign " Convert Now". The church so badly wanted converts, that it offered $500 reward as an enticement. Max looks at Abe and said he thought he'd check it out. "So go ahead", says Abe," I'll wait here". After about 15 minutes, Max comes out. Abe asks " So? Did you convert?" Max nods yes. Abe says "And.........?" "And what?" says Max. Abe continues " Did you get the $500?" Max shakes his head in disbelief and says " Jeez, is that all you people think about?"
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  #656  
Old 09-09-2011, 08:03 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way...
If anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
-----------

Last edited by Joe Wiz; 09-09-2011 at 08:04 AM. Reason: Erased PS
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  #657  
Old 09-23-2011, 08:06 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I asked the lady in the drugstore where the deodorants were. She showed me and asked " Do you want the ball type?" I said "No, I need it for my underarms."




...........The trouble with doing nothing is you never know when you're finished.......
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  #658  
Old 09-24-2011, 11:27 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she told me I had the biggest penis she ever laid her hands on. I said " You're pulling my leg."
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  #659  
Old 09-25-2011, 10:36 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Went for my routine check-up today and everything seemed to be going fine....until he stuck his finger up my butt! Do you think it's time to change dentists?
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  #660  
Old 09-27-2011, 11:18 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, " You obviously haven't been listening."
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