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  #541  
Old 06-11-2009, 09:26 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Jim died.

His will provided $40,000
For an elaborate funeral.

As the last guests departed
The affair, his wife Sharon turned to her oldest and dearest
Friend. 'Well, I'm sure
Jim would be pleased,' she said.

'I'm sure you're right,' replied Brenda, who lowered her
Voice and leaned in close.

'How much did this really
Cost?'

'All of it,' said Sharon. 'Forty
Thousand.'

'No!' Brenda exclaimed. 'I mean, it was very
Nice, but $40,000?'

Sharon answered, 'The funeral was
$6,500. I donated $500 to church. The whiskey, wine and snacks
Were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial
Stone.'
Brenda computed
Quickly. '$32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is
It?'
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  #542  
Old 06-18-2009, 07:25 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A nearly broke old lady was cleaning an odd bottle to make a few cents at her yard sale. When she uncorked it a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. " For my release I will grant you three wishes" he announced. She asked to be beautiful again. He sat her on the porch swing and in a puff she was beautiful again. She asked to be financially secure. "Give me what you have" he said. She emptied her change purse of what few coins she had, and he placed them on the floor of the large empty room of her house. With a puff, the room was filled, floor to ceiling, with money. For the last wish she asked for a handsome lover. He picked up her black cat with the white chest and sat him next to her on the swing. As the genie disappeared in a puff of smoke, she noticed that her cat had been changed into a handsome man in a tuxedo. She was delighted until he leaned over and whispered in her ear. He said " I bet you're sorry now that you had me fixed".
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  #543  
Old 06-20-2009, 01:44 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Not really a joke but these signs are still hilarious. I'm sure some people here have already seen them as they are pretty popular all over the internet. The signs are outside of the Casa D'Ice Restaurant in North Versailles, PA.


http://www.casadice.com/signs/


There's so many of them so it will take you a while to look at them all.....but it's well worth your time.
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  #544  
Old 06-25-2009, 02:52 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Storm
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They were together in the House.

Just the two of them.

It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance .....and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

Suddenly,with a pop, the power went out ... She screamed ...

He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.

He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.

He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.

He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him...

The storm raged on .....

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand ...
So consumed were they in their FEARthat they heard no opening of doors ..... just the faint click of a camera ......













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  #545  
Old 06-26-2009, 04:06 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Farrah Fawcett's last wish was for all the children to be safe. Michale Jackson then dropped dead. Wishes do come true.

They are going to cremate Michael Jackson. They will turn the melted plastic into legos so kids can play with him for a change.

Wal-Mart is having a sale in memory of Michael Jackson. Little boys underwear will be half off.

Michael Jackson died from apparent food poisoning. He had 12 year old nuts in his mouth.
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  #546  
Old 06-27-2009, 07:29 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

What is brown and often found in a baby's diaper?
Michael Jackson's hand


Where does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
From a catalog


What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a paper bag?
One is white, made of plastic and not safe for children to play with....and the other carries groceries.


What did the mother say to Michael Jackson at the beach?
Get out of my son.
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  #547  
Old 07-02-2009, 06:26 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Dave and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him. After a lot of teasing and name calling, Dave headed home frustrated.
The following week when Dave's buddies arrived at the lake they were shocked to see Dave. He was already sitting on the dock, fishing rod in hand, and drinking a beer.


His buddies asked, "How did you talk your missus into letting you go Dave?"


Dave replied.Last night I came home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows thinking how much I wanted to go fishing. Then the ol'lady snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, "Surprise".When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".
SO I DID AND HERE I AM!
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  #548  
Old 07-16-2009, 07:05 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

this from Ireland.......

Kate's friend Peg came by one day and drove her from the small town into Dublin, after all ....she hadn't been out of town for years. Kate was delighted and agog. In one of the stores she stopped short and stared at the wares hanging on the wall. There amongst them was a long plastic handle with a burst of bristles at the end in several colors. She asked the proprietor what it was. "It's a lavat'ry brush , mum" his answer. No one in town would have one, she thought. They weren't terribly expensive, so, she bought six and gave them out as gifts to family and friends. Weeks later, Peg stopped by again for tea and inquired how everyone liked the brushes. " Ah those," she responded, " Tings of beauty for sure, in all the colors." Then added " But.....we had to switch back to paper, they were tearin' everybody's arse up"
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  #549  
Old 07-26-2009, 01:35 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child. '
Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Bellefor a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.' Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with
gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent,and said
OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'
The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'



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  #550  
Old 07-29-2009, 10:13 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Italian from Jersey

A Catholic priest, and Indian doctor, a rich Chinese busnessman, and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Italian from New Jersey was fuming.
" What's with those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots"

The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such a slow group of poor golfers"

The Chinese busniessman called out, " Move it ! Time is money."

The Catholic priest said, " Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. Excuse me sir!" said the priest, " What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied " Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firefighters. The lost their sight saving our clubhouse last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, " That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The Indian doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my opthamolgist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them."

The Chinese businessman replied, " I think I'll donate $50,000 to the firefighters union in honor of these brave souls."

The Italian from New Jersey said, Why the f**k can't they play at night?"
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  #551  
Old 07-31-2009, 08:29 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Ole and Sven ( Norwegians) were flown into the wilderness by a bush pilot for a moose hunting trip. They had a great stay, and when the pilot returned he found they had bagged six. He told them he could only carry four, and they protested. Ole told him " Last year vee had six also, und der pilot took dem vit us. He had de same plane you do." The pilot begrudginly loaded the plane and strained through take-off, but after a few minutes the plane just couldn't do it. It crashed. Looking around them, Sven asked Ole " Do you know ver vee are?" Ole answered "It shure ting looks like the same spot vee crashed last year."
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  #552  
Old 08-03-2009, 09:08 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A Texan in Isreal was admiring a farm. He told the old Jew " Y'aw done yersef raht proud. Of course, it couldn't compare to mah spread back home. Ah could probbly feed yer whole ****************ree on the vegebles ah grow. Y' know, when ah git in mah car back home, it takes me two hours just to reach mah front gate." The old Jew had had enough. He answered " Y'know, I vunce had a car just like dis."
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  #553  
Old 08-04-2009, 08:50 AM
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Two Pollacks, Walter and Stash, were hunting and found themselves hopelessly lost. Walt told Stash " Check the manual, see what we're to do." Stash looked up "lost" and said " It says here to fire three shots in the air in rapid succession and help will come." So Walt fires three in the air and they wait. Nothing. Stash says " Go ahead and fire another three." Again nothing. Stash says " Go ahead and fire another three, and I hope someone comes soon, it's getting dark." To which Walt answers " I hope so, too. I'm running out of arrows."
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  #554  
Old 08-09-2009, 01:13 PM
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Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl fill it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the holed digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it....why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose it probably looks odd becouse we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."
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  #555  
Old 08-12-2009, 07:59 AM
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A couple, in a Dublin museum, were viewing a particlar painting of three naked black men. The point of interest was that man in the center had a white willy. When asked the curator explained that he thought the artist was trying to show the absorption and dilution of the black men into the white society. After he left, a bystander came over and asked " Do you want to know what the painting really means?" They responded " You know better than the curator?" "Of course, he said, I painted it."

He went on " First off, there are no black men in the painting." " Those are three Irish coal miners, and the one in the center went home for lunch."
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