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  #526  
Old 02-13-2009, 05:27 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

http://crackle.com/c/Daily_Joke
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  #527  
Old 02-13-2009, 09:25 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.
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  #528  
Old 02-16-2009, 09:30 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

NASCAR NEWS...
Jeff Gordon fires his entire pit crew.

This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of the government's scheme to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of dollars worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team as most races are won or lost in the pits. However-Gordon got more than he bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.
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  #529  
Old 02-19-2009, 04:27 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,

I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me spuds this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad



A few days later he received a letter from his son:



Dear Dad,

For CHRIST'S SAKE, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all the BODIES!

Love, Mick



At 4 A. M. the next morning, a dozen local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they apologized to the old man and left.



The next day the old man received another letter from his son:



Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Mick
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  #530  
Old 02-25-2009, 02:52 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of
first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color: Red.....................Cherry
Yellow.................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.
'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're assholes!'
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  #531  
Old 03-16-2009, 01:49 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.


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  #532  
Old 03-16-2009, 01:52 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

and as he shows her around his
apartment.

She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is

completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,

medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,

and huge, enormous bears running all the way across the top shelf
She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,

more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well,how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,

looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:


'Help yourself to any prize

from the middle shelf'
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  #533  
Old 03-16-2009, 02:11 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Los Angeles SCHOOLS

Math Test
NAME________________________
GANG/CREW NAME______________
CRIB_________________________


1. Ramon have a AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually miss 6 of every 10 shots and he use 13 rounds per drive-by shootin.. How many mofos can Ramon ice on a drive-by befo he gotta reload?

2. Leroy have 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sell an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest of his shit?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20% upside?

5. Desmond gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother"S bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he get out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his gang. What be the perecentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard.. As Marvin skates away at 15mph, Juan loads his 357 Magnum piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?
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  #534  
Old 04-08-2009, 04:23 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody


Happy Easter!
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"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country" George S. Patton






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  #535  
Old 04-09-2009, 02:50 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Old lady at Court!

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little f#*ker!
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  #536  
Old 04-27-2009, 07:18 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Sensible Advice



Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!


Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!


Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!

Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?

HELLO

Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember:

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ............
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  #537  
Old 05-21-2009, 12:02 PM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A priest, minister, and a rabbi had a little theological bet between them as to who could convert a wild animal to religion. The each took on a grizzly and worked their faith. After a month or so the priest announced that he had indeed converted the bear and in two days it would be making it's first holy communion. The minister said that although it took a while, the bear finally let him baptise him in the river. They went to see the rabbi, laying in the hospital in a full body cast. "Looking back at it now" said the rabbi " the circumcision shouldn't have been the first thing I tried"
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  #538  
Old 05-21-2009, 04:32 PM
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A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her
Grandson's' birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and
Goes over to the counter.

A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She
Says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
Reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
Counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes." She
Doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404
Reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's
On sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
It dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her
Credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she
Is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind
Clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that
She was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the
Rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies," Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
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  #539  
Old 06-10-2009, 07:01 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party?
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.?
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel.
He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific!
My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific!
My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire.. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?


The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment. The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.
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  #540  
Old 06-11-2009, 06:49 AM
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Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Five stages of senility

1. You forget names

2. You forget faces

3. You forget to zip up your fly

4. You forget to zip down your fly

5. You buy a boat
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