Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody - Page 33 - Stripers247.com Forums
 
Striped Bass Fishing Site Map | Contact Us | Fishing Log Software | Fishing Online | Advertise
to UPLOAD: please register or login

Go Back   Stripers247.com Forums > Around The Woodstove > The Lounge
Forgot Password? Register Now!!

The Lounge Off-topic discussion here. Non-fishing related chit chat & banter. No Divisive subject matter - No Viscious Political and Religious debates please.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #481  
Old 08-04-2008, 02:47 PM
54EXPRESS 54EXPRESS is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 32
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Dave the hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Dave. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #482  
Old 08-31-2008, 05:00 PM
zimno1's Avatar
zimno1 zimno1 is offline
Old Salt
Pro Staff
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: staten island
Posts: 5,926
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Weenie Test - Three third graders from Tennessee, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Black kid are on the playground at recess. The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. Let's see who has the largest weenie. Okay. They all agree. The Irish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. That's nothing, says the Italian kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer. Not to be out done, the Black kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest. That night, eating dinner at home, the Black kid's mother asks him what he did at school today. Oh, we worked on a science project , had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called 'Let's see who has the largest weenie. 'What kind of game is that, honey? asks the mother. Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm Black. Is that true? No, Leroy. It's because you're eighteen and still in the third grade.



Reply With Quote
  #483  
Old 09-03-2008, 09:39 AM
Joe Wiz's Avatar
Joe Wiz Joe Wiz is offline
First Mate
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: S.I.N.Y.....TOMS RIV. NJ
Posts: 1,014
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Three Brazillian soldiers

The president ( George W. ) received a phone call that three Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq during the night. The president went pale and cupped his face in his hands. After a few moments, while still visibly shaken, he asked......" Just how many is a brazillion?"
Reply With Quote
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
  #484  
Old 09-03-2008, 10:20 AM
MASSfisher0311's Avatar
MASSfisher0311 MASSfisher0311 is offline
(formerly brian21johansen)
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Currently:San Diego....Originally:Massachusetts
Posts: 975
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A perfect example of how the media likes to twist the truth:


A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into
the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull
her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and
the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter
says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in
my whole life.'

The biker replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.'
The reporter says, 'Well, I'm a journalist from the New York Times, and
tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do
you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have? '
The biker replies, 'I'm a U. S. Marine and a Republican.'

The following morning the biker buys
The New York Times
to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front
page:

'U. S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH'



__________________
Think like a fish....
Reply With Quote
  #485  
Old 09-29-2008, 12:05 PM
The Point's Avatar
The Point The Point is offline
Cow Catcher
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: On a Rock in The Water in the Darkness.
Posts: 937
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A man walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER:$1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50

HAND JOB: $1,000.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'Can I help you?'

'I was wondering,' whispers the man, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'

'Yes,' she purrs, I am.

The man replies, 'Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.'
__________________
"My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it."
Reply With Quote
  #486  
Old 09-29-2008, 12:06 PM
The Point's Avatar
The Point The Point is offline
Cow Catcher
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: On a Rock in The Water in the Darkness.
Posts: 937
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

There was 3 men on an island and they came across a genie that will grant them one wish each.

He asks the first man what he wants. The First man says. "I wish for a helicopter to get off this god forbidden island." So the genie grants the wish.
The second man says. "I wish for a bridge that goes to the other side, and will then vanish." So the genie grants the wish.

The third man thinks long and hard about his wish and he starts to get lonely.

He says… "God I wish those guys were back here."
__________________
"My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it."
Reply With Quote
  #487  
Old 09-29-2008, 12:11 PM
The Point's Avatar
The Point The Point is offline
Cow Catcher
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: On a Rock in The Water in the Darkness.
Posts: 937
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.
2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
5. Your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.
Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies:

"The President is screwing the Working Class,
While the Government is sound asleep.
The People are being ignored
And the Future is in deep shit!"
__________________
"My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it."
Reply With Quote
  #488  
Old 09-30-2008, 06:52 AM
gone fishin''s Avatar
gone fishin' gone fishin' is offline
Chasing the Dream...
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 80
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

E-mail Virus warning:

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line,
do not open it.
It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it.
It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
Reply With Quote
  #489  
Old 10-03-2008, 02:27 PM
The Point's Avatar
The Point The Point is offline
Cow Catcher
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: On a Rock in The Water in the Darkness.
Posts: 937
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
__________________
"My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it."
Reply With Quote
  #490  
Old 10-14-2008, 08:27 PM
gone fishin''s Avatar
gone fishin' gone fishin' is offline
Chasing the Dream...
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 80
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

DMV's eyechart to be cruel to old men...
Attached Thumbnails
Click image for larger version

Name:	eye chart.jpg
Views:	184
Size:	19.6 KB
ID:	8020  
Reply With Quote
  #491  
Old 10-16-2008, 07:59 AM
Mark P's Avatar
Mark P Mark P is offline
The Artist Formerly known as Jackbass
Pro Staff
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Central MA
Posts: 1,148
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar, by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things. First, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

Second, the bouncer is a blonde woman.
Third, I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde gal with a black belt in karate. Fourth, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter. And fifth, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'Naw, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Reply With Quote
  #492  
Old 10-19-2008, 07:40 AM
StrawMan StrawMan is offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 161
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

With an estimated 2 million dead and counting Mexico is dealing with the aftermath of one of the largest earthquakes ever recorded to hit modern man. 9.7 on the richter scale, this earthquake has killed millions. The country is ruined and may never return to be the way it was. The middle east has sent oil to help out. Canada has been sending troops with food and water. England has also sent troops with food, water and clothing. The U.S.A. not to be out done, is sending back 2 million Mexicans and counting...
Reply With Quote
  #493  
Old 10-22-2008, 11:34 PM
zimno1's Avatar
zimno1 zimno1 is offline
Old Salt
Pro Staff
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: staten island
Posts: 5,926
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

prolly herd this one
An Israeli doctor says, "medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking
for work in six weeks.

A German doctor says, "that is nothing, we can take a lung out of one
person, and put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.

A Russian doctor says, "in my country, medicine is so advanced that we
can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them
both looking for work in two weeks.

The TEXAS doctor, not to be outdone says, "You guys are way behind, we
recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White
House for eight years, and now half of AMERICA is looking for work.



Reply With Quote
  #494  
Old 10-23-2008, 02:49 PM
Mark P's Avatar
Mark P Mark P is offline
The Artist Formerly known as Jackbass
Pro Staff
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Central MA
Posts: 1,148
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska for some sight seeing.. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope Mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods.
A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales"
hat, and a "To hell with Bush" T-Shirt, was screaming and struggling, frantically trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies, "Who was that guy?"
"It was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "He may have access to all wisdom but he doesn't know squat about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to Massachusetts and get another one?"
Reply With Quote
  #495  
Old 11-07-2008, 09:39 AM
The Point's Avatar
The Point The Point is offline
Cow Catcher
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: On a Rock in The Water in the Darkness.
Posts: 937
Default Re: Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

St.Peter at the Pearly Gates checking people in. Who are you and what did you do on Earth?. The guy says I'm Barrack Obama and I was the first black President of the United States. St.Peter says The U.S.? A black president? You're kidding me! When did all this happen?. Obama says About 20 minutes ago!
__________________
"My biggest worry is that my wife (when I'm dead) will sell my fishing gear for what I said I paid for it."
Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Tags
day, insult, joke

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Valentine's Day Facts: Striperjim The Lounge 3 02-13-2009 09:41 AM
joke of the day mikeyred The Lounge 1 03-16-2007 07:23 PM
Fishing Music Library ! TonyDB The Lounge 28 10-16-2006 05:09 AM
Now, a Day at the Beach Can Mean a Day in Court CaptainMorgan! The Lounge 0 09-04-2005 01:19 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 06:03 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
vBulletin Security provided by vBSecurity v2.2.2 (Pro) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2020 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Copyright © 2004 - 2013 Stripers247.com LLC
Affiliated Sites:   Noreast.com   Allcoast.com    2coolfishing.com