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  #1  
Old 09-03-2005, 10:28 PM
stripercrazy stripercrazy is offline
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Default Joke Of The Day -A Joke to insult Just about everybody

Subject: The Arab


An Arab-American family was considering putting their grandfather in a
nursing home. All the Muslim facilities were completely full, so they
ended up putting him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they come to visit grandpa.


"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson


"It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," says
grandpa.


"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place
for you."


"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,"
grandpa says with a big smile.

"There's a musician here -- he's 85-years old. He hasn't played the
violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!

And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been
practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him
'Doctor'!

And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me "the
****************ing Arab!"
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  #2  
Old 09-03-2005, 10:38 PM
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Default 3 jokes

Ha Ha. Welcome to the site stripercrazy. I heard a similar one where two arabs were considering coming to america. So one says Mohammed let me take my family first and I will write to you and let you know what its like in America. Ok says Mohammed.
Mohammed waits for a year for his letters but none come, so he hops on a plane to the US tracks down Akmed, finds hes living in Oklahoma with Sudha and the children. He asks sudha how is Akmed and she says he works for grumman, the kids play baseball and basketball, little sudha is a chearleader, Akmed loves it here and hes changed his name to Eric. The doorbell rings and akmed walks in. How are you Akmed my brother says Mohammed?
Akmed looks at Sudha and says wtf is that sandnigga doing in my house?

A small town Doctor was famous in the area for always catching large fish. One day while he was on one of his frequent fishing trips he got a call that a woman at a neighboring farm was giving birth. He rushed to her aid and delivered a healthy baby boy. The farmer had nothing to weigh the baby with so the Doctor used his fishing scales. The baby weighed 22 lbs 10 oz.

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
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  #3  
Old 09-10-2005, 05:33 PM
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Default Another joke

New UCLA Study
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged; masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a baseball bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
Further studies are expected.
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  #4  
Old 09-13-2005, 02:23 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like they're actually in control.

2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.

3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you "just don't understand."

4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider or a wasp involved.

10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three people.

11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling.

13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.

14. Women think all beer is the same.

15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rainforest.

16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things could be.

17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days' worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

18. Women brush their hair before bed.

19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea of how she'll be in bed.

20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: modeling.

21. Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's there in the Bible." Hmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?

22. Women do not know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"

23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a large bowl to share.

24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

J/K
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  #5  
Old 09-21-2005, 02:01 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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Default Joke Of The Day

If you guys are cool with the Fact Of The Day, why not a Joke Of The Day?? The same rules applies as to the Facts, where only one person and one post a day allowed. I'll start it off with this:


September 21, 2005
Police Warning
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs, to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, in cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific-looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life savings, in a familiar scam known as "A Relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "Marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know. (And women with a sense of humor!) If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.
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  #6  
Old 09-21-2005, 08:45 AM
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absolutahnie absolutahnie is offline
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i think both ideas are great!

this joke is cute...by the way i have a striper recipe that involves beer
any body interested :)
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  #7  
Old 09-22-2005, 05:30 PM
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September 22, 2005

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.
Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."
Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."
They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.?
Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world."
Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and asked, "Who the f*** is Alvarez?"
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  #8  
Old 09-23-2005, 02:59 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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September 23, 2005
How He Got To Go Fishing
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation takes place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in our house next weekend!"

Second guy: "That's nothing. I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish, when they realize that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge, and said, "Fishing or sex?" and she said, "Wear sun block."
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  #9  
Old 09-24-2005, 01:06 AM
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September 24, 2005
THE RANCH HAND
An old rancher died, leaving everything to his devoted wife, Jean. Knowing little about the business, she decided to advertise for a ranch hand.
Only two men applied. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, then hired the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around.
Joe proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours and knew a lot about ranching.
Things went well. One day, Jean said to Joe, "You've done a really good job. The ranch looks great. Why don't you take a night off, go into town, and kick up your heels?" Joe agreed.
The following Saturday evening, Joe went to town. Much later that night, he slipped quietly into the ranch house. Halfway through the parlor, he spotted Jean staring at him from beside the fireplace, a glass of wine in her hand. She called him over.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she ordered. Trembling, Joe did so.
"Now take off my boots." Joe did.
"Now my socks." The hired man complied.
"Now take off my skirt." Joe unbuttoned the garment.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, Joe did as he was told.
"Now, take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down.
Jean fixed Joe with a determined gaze. "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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  #10  
Old 09-24-2005, 01:13 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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  #11  
Old 09-25-2005, 07:24 PM
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Default Slow day recycled joke

September 25 2005
CHILI CONTEST
Frank "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge?s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn?t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:(Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddies Maniac Monster Chili
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Zim) Holy sh!t! What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that?s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Austins Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 Keep this out of the reach of children.I?m not sure what I?m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Ronnys Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 Call the EPA. I?ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Im getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer
Chili # 4 Daves Black Magic
Judge # 1 Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste Im eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Lisas Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if Im burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chili # 6 Pams Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh!t on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Carlas Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, theyll know what killed me. Ive decided to stop breathing; its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Karens Toenail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if hes going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how hed have reacted to really hot chili.
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  #12  
Old 09-25-2005, 07:42 PM
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September 26. 2005
Texas A & M Doctor Invents a new Bra.

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.


Dr. Rickson after announcing the invention, At a news conference
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  #13  
Old 09-25-2005, 08:02 PM
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I guess he had it coming?
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Old 09-27-2005, 12:46 AM
1337 h4xx0r 1337 h4xx0r is offline
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September 27, 2005
A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
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Old 09-27-2005, 01:10 PM
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Some coffee?
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